Heart versus Mind
by Lady Kiddymonster
Summary: A short story which shows what should have happened when Edith visited Anthony at Locksley in the 2011 CS. This deals with the conflict between Anthony's heart and mind as well as Edith's feisty resolve
1. Chapter 1 Reminiscences

**Heart Versus Mind**

**A/N: A short story which shows what **_**should **_**have happened when Edith visited Anthony at Locksley in the 2011 CS. This deals with the conflict between Anthony's heart and mind as well as Edith's feisty resolve.**

**Chapter 1 Reminiscences**

"Don't encourage her Rosamund; she'll spend her life as a nursemaid."

Violet did not realise Edith had overheard.

Edith had been shocked to learn that Anthony had been injured in the war but her delight in seeing him again after so long had eclipsed this. She only wished they had been able to talk privately but there had been no chance of that with Violet's constant, often inappropriate, interruptions. She had been aware that her pulse was racing for he was still devastatingly gorgeous; slightly more stooped now but with the same endearing lopsided grin and those blue eyes. But Sir Anthony Strallan was more than simply gorgeous; he had been the first man to take an interest in her. He cared what she thought, noticed what she wore and they shared so many common tastes in literature and music. He gave her humdrum existence at Downton a kind of meaning which she never experienced at home owing to the fact she was largely considered surplus to requirements.

Anthony's injury did not bother Edith. She had seen far worse during the days when Downton had been a convalescent hospital. She did not know enough to understand the exact physical limitations it placed on him but he had a household of loyal servants who adored him. She did not consider that he had probably also got mental scars; the nature of which was invisible. She could not understand why Violet would think he might need a nursemaid. Men of their social class usually had valets anyway and he was surely no more likely to drop dead of a sudden heart attack than anyone else of her acquaintance although she could in fact think of people who were more likely candidates.

Edith retired early that evening complaining of a nonexistent headache. Once in her room she lay on her bed and closed her eyes for a moment. She could see his lovely blue eyes and caught herself wondering just what it would be like to look into them every morning. She tried to imagine his mouth on hers and his one good arm wrapped around her. Her heart raced as she realised that the injury did not matter because it was a part of the man she loved and always had.

But she could convince him that she wanted to look after him? She knew that several injured soldiers had gone home from Downton and taken up once again with former wives and sweethearts. She flushed as she realised she was having some rather unladylike thoughts about him.

She had a sudden longing to talk to him; alone and uninterrupted. Perhaps she could offer to take him out for a drive; like he had done with her before the war. She bit her lip; on second thoughts that might not be a good idea. After all he was bound to be feeling the handicap of no longer being able to drive himself around. Violet had commented on his use of a chauffeur and that was even before they knew why he couldn't drive. The last thing Edith wanted was to make him feel inadequate when she knew he suffered enough from lack of confidence and was likely to be even lower on self esteem now. She would drive herself over to Locksley tomorrow and have a talk with him in private. For Edith herself the good thing about being able to drive was that she was no longer reliant on a chauffeur needing to know her comings and goings which did make her life distinctly easier.

She knew that men found it hard to talk about their war experiences and she would not interrogate; just let him know that she was there for him if he needed to talk. She was no longer a child; she had grown up during the war and was no longer the shy young woman Anthony probably remembered. She felt a need to comfort him, to hold him in her arms and with that came the realisation that when she had kissed Farmer Drake she had been imagining that he was Anthony. Farmer Drake was her only experience of a kiss so far but Edith didn't think he counted because he had been married. She had the idea that being kissed by Anthony would surpass that a hundredfold.

Anthony's butler showed her into the library. He did not seem entirely pleased to see her yet nor did he seem unhappy. Seeing her again at the Dower house a few days before had stirred up all the old feelings. She had grown into a very beautiful young woman and his heart ached to sense that she was as overlooked and uncomfortable with her place in society as she always had been. Why did her family not see the treasure that she was; the treasure he had liked to think of as his all too briefly? Damn, he really should not be thinking this way he was especially when he knew what he had to say, His head told him that he was too old for her and now that he was a cripple he would need constant care which would tie her to him and that she was too young for that. He would not be able to hold her properly and he certainly would not expect her to share his bed if they married. It was being cruel to be kind but he had to put an end to any hope she might have of rekindling their pre-war courtship. He had nothing to offer her after all. He still suffered from terrible nightmares and would still occasionally wake up screaming and sweating. That was hardly attractive to any woman. It really was best to set her free to find a younger whole man, forgetting as he did so that most young men Lady Edith's age were either dead or worse maimed than he was. What he did not realise was that she had made a resolution to not let him push her away and as to the totally opposite longings of his heart, well he did not dare contemplate what they were telling him to do and he was not sure whether his head or his heart would win the conflict raging within him.


	2. Chapter 2 Plainly speaking

**Chapter 2**

**Eat your heart out Julian Fellowes because this is what **_**should **_**have happened in this very popular scene. It is a good job you have us to put your mistakes right without of course being paid a fortune but we do it because we love your characters and we do it for love not profit.. You can feel Anthony's anguish here.**

"I'm glad I've got you to myself for a time," Anthony said, "I'm afraid I didn't get a chance to make myself clear the other day and it's been worrying me."

Edith was intrigued; just what could he mean? She looked confused but happy to be there with him. He sighed; this was going to be a lot harder than he had anticipated, much as he wanted to listen to the very different dialogue going on in his heart his head was currently winning.

He knew he had to be sensible about this but the truth was that Sir Anthony Strallan was fed up with being sensible; After all obeying his gut instinct to serve had landed him in this unenviable position to start with because he would have remained whole had he remained in Yorkshire.

Edith was the first woman since Maud to make him feel like he mattered, the first to appreciate his company. She had endeared herself to him forever on that long ago afternoon drive when she had asked him what Maud had been like without any sense of jealousy, politeness or malice for it could not be easy for a young girl – and she _had_ been young then – to hear a man talk about his late wife but it had been good to have someone ask, to show an interest.

The inner conflict raged.

He wanted her; that much had become clear to him in the rather lurid dreams he had entertained since meeting her again at Violet's.

"The trouble is, Lady Edith," he began hesitantly, "I don't know whether to listen to my head or my heart."

"I don't understand," she frowned.

He held up his good hand, "Please hear me out."

"Alright," she sat back, "I owe you that at least."

Her brown eyes fixed on him told her that she was listening to every word he said and he swallowed hard.

"I'm much too old for you, Lady Edith. I don't need a wife, I need a nurse and it would be unfair for me to tie you and you would be tied if we took up together again. Your family would not like it and you would end up resenting, even hating me. I can't do that to someone as young or as lovely as you."

Edith felt her whole body tingle.

"And what does your heart tell you to do?" she faltered.

"It tells me to throw caution to the wind,"

He reached inside his shirt pocket and took out a photograph which he handed to her, "I carried this with me throughout the war and please don't think I never thought of you because I did. When my life was first blighted with this," he indicated his injured arm, "I lay in the godforsaken military hospital despairing of ever getting home and in the darkest hours I contemplated putting a gun to my head but I never could, something stopped me and that was you, I would look at that photograph and think of how I would hate to hurt you and have you think badly of me."

"I hope you did not believe what Mary told you I said at the garden party because you are the most intelligent and scintillating company I have ever had the privilege to share." She realised she was breaking his train of thought again and realised she was now as confused about its destination as he seemed to be. She raised her hand, "Sorry please do continue."

"I don't doubt you could or would look after me, Lady Edith. Please don't think I think otherwise it is just that it is a lot to expect from someone. There are things that happened to me that I have not been able to talk to anyone about since they happened and I would hate to frighten you."

"Please let me be the judge of whether or not I could cope, Anthony. You have always respected my opinions in the past and now I am legally of age that should matter even more."

He closed his eyes for a moment. Talk was all well and good but if she saw the mess the military surgeons had made of his wound, if she heard him wake screaming in the night it would terrify her; even assuming she would want to share his bed. What kind of person would he be to expose her to his own nightmares?

"Anthony, you know how my family view me, like I am invisible most of the time. If I end up looking after anyone in their old age I want it to be you, not my parents which is what I am destined for. Sybil is married now and I am sure Mary will be before too long. I would rather be with you,"

God she was making this so difficult for him without even realising it.

"Anthony, would you please at least come and sit down next to me?"

He did so and his eyes followed as her hand reached out towards his injured one. She slipped it gently inside his sling and clasped his injured hand. She stroked it gently, flexing his fingers; although he could not feel it he wished with all his heart that he could because she was so gentle, her gesture so loving it brought tears to his eyes.

"Lady Edith," his voice was choked with emotion.

"Anthony," she looked into his eyes, "You got injured fighting for your King and country and to me that makes you very special and more of a man than those who were younger but shirked their moral duty. I am more than prepared to learn to help you and I am sure your valet and your servants would be prepared to teach me all I need to know."

Anthony realised that his head was starting to lose the conflict because her arguments were sensible and concise as he began to realise that he was also tired of being alone. He had resigned himself to an empty life without the love he craved. He craved a woman's touch and company but his nights were still troubled. How could he tell her about those without her running for the hills?

But what she said next literally changed everything for him in the blink of eternity it took for the words to pass her lips; those lips he longed to kiss, despite the mental reservations he had put up and which he was aware were fast crumbling.

"Anthony, I do not pity you for one moment and it would be a pleasure for me to look after a war hero but I know I can do so as a wife and not a nursemaid. A duff arm does not mean you will drop dead of a heart attack anytime soon."

"Oh Edith" he sighed as his last wall of defence crashed down.

She was still holding his injured hand and had not let go of it.

"Anthony, I fear nothing because the truth is that I love you and I think I always have."


	3. Chapter 3 True compassion

**Chapter 3**

There was a silence after Edith spoke the words Anthony realised he had longed to hear from her lips since before the war.

Then he began to shake uncontrollably as tears poured from his blue eyes and splashed on his shirt. Edith had never seen a man cry before but it did not alarm her.

She kept hold of his injured hand and reaching out her other hand laid it gently on his left shoulder. "Anthony," she whispered.

"Lady Edith, please will..." he hesitated for a moment realising his heart was racing even as his mind began to clear itself.

"Please will I what?" she prompted gently.

"Please will you hold me?"

"Of course." She took him into her arms, gently supporting his injured one, and began to gently rub his back as he laid his head on her shoulder and sobbed. She soothed him gentle but did not say a word.

Gradually he stopped shaking but Edith realised she was tingling everywhere; even in places it was not ladylike to mention.

"I love you too, Lady Edith," he breathed.

"I didn't expect three little words to provoke such a reaction," she said.

"Nor did I," he took her hand in his one good one, "but I have wanted to hear those words from your lips for so long. I don't want to fight my feelings anymore."

"I can't begin to imagine what you must have suffered my dearest," she murmured, "but if you ever need to talk then I want to be here for you. I saw some terrible suffering while Downton was a military hospital so I won't shock as easily as you might think."

He squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes.

"When Maud died I never expected to find love again and when I returned from the war with this injury I expected to have to spend the rest of my life alone; even if I met someone else I never expected her to want to share my bed. I was so afraid of dying alone because when I die the Strallan name goes with me. You know already that Maud died in childbirth and the baby, a son, not long after."

"Yes I know my darling and I cannot begin to imagine how wretched that must have made you feel."

"Edith," his hand was trembling, "may I kiss you?"

"Oh yes," she breathed.

"We might feel more comfortable standing."

They stood and Edith felt her heart race and throat go dry as he pulled her close to him with his good arm. She gently slipped her arms around him making sure she supported his injury. She had never been so close to a man before but she was aware that she needed this, both needed and wanted him.

His mouth claimed hers; exploring and she felt shivers run down her back as she pressed close to his warm body. She opened her mouth to explore his and she relished the feel of his strong hand on her back.

"Anthony," she breathed as his mouth moved to caress her throat and moved up to nibble her earlobe before returning to explore her mouth. Edith felt herself melting against him; sensing that she might faint he held her tighter with his good arm. The kiss deepened and Edith was enraptured as she felt her sensuality begin to awaken even as she was aware of him pressed against her slender body and aware of how much she wanted this man.

Finally the kiss broke and he looked into her eyes; they were both trembling violently as Anthony helped her sit and this time put his left arm around her shoulders.

"Edith," he breathed.

"Oh Anthony, that was incredible."

"I have wanted to do that for a long time," he said, "but I did not expect to ever get the chance."

She rested her head on his shoulder.

"I will be honest with you, Edith," he said. "I have terrible nightmares and sometimes I wake up at night screaming. I saw a young man shot for cowardice and that haunts me because I could not help; I think he went AWOL because he was afraid and barely more than eighteen so still very much a boy. In fact I suspect he probably lied about his age to join up but I do not believe for one moment he was a coward; he was fighting; in my view the cowards were the ones who remained home with their white feathers. Do you really want to face that every night; assuming you would want to share my bed at all."

"I would be there to comfort you, Anthony. I would hold and soothe you until you went back to sleep and in answer to your other point, what woman would not be proud to share a bed with a war hero? You are the most gorgeous man I have ever met and although I don't know much about your injury or any scarring you might have it is part of you and I love you because you were injured fighting for your country; not in spite of the fact."

Tears filled his eyes and she gently brushed them away with her warm fingertips. He loved and needed her more than she would ever know.

"I can give you a signed letter authorising Dr Clarkson to answer any questions you might have about the nature of my injury; I want you to know everything because knowledge will enable you to make an informed decision with your head as well as your heart."

"My heart has already made that decision, Anthony."

"So has mine," he whispered, "but I would like us to spend some time together before we spring this on your family and to be honest I am not in a hurry because although I feel much better finally telling you about the event that causes my nightmares I don't feel quite ready yet. I am sure you understand."

"Yes of course, we will go at whatever pace you feel comfortable with."

"Thank you," he whispered, "Thank you for understanding and for coming here today. I need you so much and I never thought I would ever need anyone."

"Everyone needs someone," she said, "It's just that not everyone is lucky enough to find that person who makes every nerve ending tingle just by looking at them."

"Am I that for you, Edith?" she noticed he had dropped her title and she rather liked that

"Yes," she said, "You are."

**A/N: As correcting Fellowes's mistakes with regard to this scene has already been done many times I do not intend to drag this out. I have just dealt with all the later issues here rather than in 3.03 and brought them to the understanding they were never allowed to reach on TV. I hope that you enjoyed this and thanks for reading and reviewing.**


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